I'm a Wagging Tail

So when I think of the words, wagging tail, I don't envision myself.  My vision is of an excited dog, flipping it's tail around wildly.

But why does the dog's tail wag?  Well, according to animal planet:

The original purpose of the dog's tail was for balance. It prevents him from toppling over as he makes sharp turns while running or swimming. The tail also balances him when walking along narrow structures, climbing or leaping. Over time, the tail adapted itself to playing a vital role in communication, particularly when a dog is just walking or standing around.

Puppies don't come right out of their mom's tummies wagging their tails. The majority of them don't begin wagging until they are about a month and a half old when they have a need to communicate with their litter mates or mothers.

For example, if there's too much "rough-housing" between the pups, one of them might wave their tail like a white flag to signal a truce to its litter-mates. As they grow, they wag their tail to beg for food from the adults in their canine family.

So let's think about this.  Momma has a litter.  Most puppies will immediately burst their way in for food, thus leaving the runt to fend for himself.  Well, how does the Momma respond?  Why, of course, she nudges that puppy toward his food.  Exhausted as she is, somehow, she manages to make sure that puppy survives.  She is desperate for him to succeed.

If Momma is a good, nurturing parent, she nudges that puppy a few times toward the food, but does not feed him.  If her puppy will ever grow up as a healthy dog, he will first need to learn his basic skill of eating.  When he starts floundering, however, his tail starts wagging.  Guess who jumps in for the rescue.  That's right, the Momma!  Problem for this puppy starts when his Momma does not set the boundry on this.  Since she struggles with watching him fail, she strips him of the ability to learn on his own and essentially sets him up for all future fails.  This separates the nurturing Momma and the Co-dependent Momma.

The nurturing Momma evolves with the pup, teaching him to clean himself, etc.  The co-dependent Momma becomes the tail.  Yup, the tail.  So every time puppy is happy, sad, anxious, scared or feeling aggressive, he drags along the Momma.  The actual behaviors of which direction it wags, or why, or whether the wag is voluntary or involuntary is not a discussion for this basic scope.  The point of this discussion is what happens when that puppy wags.  This bipolar puppy whips his Momma around when he is excited or sad.  She allows it until she becomes ill from it.

Okay.  This is really my story.  I've been the tail and have become ill from it.  But I'm working on becoming healthy again.  Going to local support groups, specifically, Wallingford's Hope and Support group, has been helping me manage my life.  I've learned a lot from the mistakes I made.  I had, in the past, learned to enable my young pup.  And he has learned, in response,  to whip me around in his chaos and insanity.  He whips me around to his convenience.  And guess what, he has never lost that tail!  I've hung on to it for my dear life.  I've seen way more than a Mom should ever see, but I've hung on!

Now how do I detach from that tail, without removing it?  Hope and Support has been a great resource for me to realize the importance of detaching from the tail.  My son needs his tail, he just does not need me to be on it.  I've realized that the tail-ride is scary and quite uncomfortable.  And besides that, it's his ride, not mine.  I will never be in a place to manage my own life,  if much of my time is flapping around in his moods.  

I've learned I do not need to fix my puppy, I need to fix myself.  Yes, I am a fixer.  That is what I do. I see something broken, I want to fix it.  I  realized that I was as broken as those around me and should be reaching within and fixing myself.  My puppy needs his tail for his balance, not for dragging me around.  

This is my recovery, not my son's and  I accept responsibility for it. Imagine how strong I will become one day, when my focus becomes fixing me, rather than the view behind my puppy!  

This was how I felt in mid-February 2014.  Check back next time to hear what has happened since then.

Mommy Hope